#7 Adjust Thinking, Moderate Feeling

The cognitive-behavioral therapy concept of interacting thoughts, feelings, and actions.

In cognitive behavioral therapy, a well-established treatment for mood disorders like depression or anxiety, there is the concept of the CBT Triangle. It is a simple diagram showing that thoughts lead to feelings and physical responses which then affect how we behave or what actions we take. So, one side is thoughts, one side is emotions, and one side is actions. Any aspect of the triangle can affect any of the others.

The main concept is that how one thinks leads to how one feels. This is closely related to our perceptions. You probably know that two people can look at the same thing and see it very differently. You may have seen a drawing before of two people looking at a number which is between them. One person at one end sees the number six and the other person at the opposite end sees the number nine. And they are both correct! The shape and composition of the number doesn’t change. Only their perceptions of it change depending on where they are positioned in relation to it.

It is the same when it comes to thoughts about a thing or an event. Two different people can look at the same event and one has pleasant thoughts and the other person has negative thoughts. Which, of course, changes how each person feels about the same event. This is where the glass is half empty or the glass is half full analogy comes in. The point is that if a person views the glass as half empty, then that person will feel unhappy about that, may feel loss or worry about not having enough. While the person who sees the glass as half full may feel happy, grateful, secure or comfortable with what they have. Again, both are looking at the same glass with the same amount inside, but their thoughts lead to very different feelings.

Mistakes in thinking can lead to upset emotions and make them worse than they need to be.

Our brains take in millions of pieces of information and have to identify, assess the importance of, and sort the information. Brains make decisions on how to act based on the incoming information. Our brains are very good at this. But they also rely on short cuts so they can make quick assessments and decisions. These short cuts can result in mistakes in thinking. These mistakes in thinking are called cognitive distortions. There are numerous cognitive distortions and they all make whatever you are feeling worse. If it is anxiety, depression, or anger, it will be worse than it needs to be.

For example, if I think, “You never listen to me!” I will be more upset than if I think “You don’t seem to be listening to me right now.”

If I think, “I always screw up!” I will feel worse than if I think, “I have made a mistake.”

If I focus on all that is wrong instead of noticing what has turned out right, I will feel more unhappy.

If I assume others think negatively about me, I will feel bad. If I think of the worst outcomes, I will feel very anxious.

You can change thoughts to be more realistic which reduces the intensity of the emotions.

Jack Canfield, author of the “Chicken Soup for the Soul” books, says,

“You only have control over three things in your life, the thoughts you think, the images you visualize, and the actions you take.”

You have control because you can choose to adjust your thinking, you can choose where you direct your focus and attention, you can choose to meditate or remind yourself of things to be thankful for. And so on.

Everyone has heard of thinking positively, which is a good thing, but it isn’t the only way to alter thinking that is helpful. And for some things, it can be a stretch to think positively. But we don’t have to engage in extreme thinking. We do not have to expect or fear the worst. We can improve our emotional response by just thinking more realistically.

Focus on just the moment and what you will do to manage it.

Ask yourself logical questions:

what are the facts that I know,

how do I know this or am I assuming,

what are some other reasonable possibilities,

What would a friend say?

So here is what we have covered. The basic concept is that thoughts lead to feelings and physical responses, which lead to our actions. Because thoughts contribute to feelings, then changing the thoughts can change the feelings. Our brains use shortcuts which lead to thinking errors which cause emotions to be worse than they need to be. If you can catch the thinking error and make it more realistic, then you can moderate your emotions. Moderate extreme thinking, resist assumptions, focus on the moment, and ask yourself logical questions, do what you can to manage in the moment.

You can listen to the audio of this podcast episode HERE. And you can subscribe to the “Calm and Confident You” podcast on your favorite streaming service such as Apple Podcasts or Spotify.